This run was a long time in the making actually. My roommate at the time was interested in trying to speedrun something 2 player together after watching me do a few IL's for sonic 2. This was before I had gotten any single segment runs done and knew what it required. So together we looked through my game collection for something short and co-op and this game fit the bill.

Our practice never got very far outside of planning, basically because we practiced on console and the 4th boss is a bitch that requires a fair amount of practice actually. So the run was put on hold when the discussion of a 2 player run began among me and mike uyama during magfest 09. We wanted to do something short together as well, but realized a lot of games are really really hard to do 2 player speedruns of, so I suggested altered beast.

Fast forward past our failed attempts on our first meeting and you will find us completing the speedrun a full 2 years after our first meeting. We actually did a fair amount of practice on this game, mike much of it single player to get a feel for the game, and practiced a ton on a couple of the bosses. There is this cool trick where enemies die in one hit if you are right next to them, but they are killed so fast with 2 players and the increase in screen scrolling screen is so minor that we really didn't lose time at all. There is only one part of the game where we got fucked losing a significant portion of time.

We planned out every power up grab, and pretty much learned both sides of the game screen game play for every level just in case one of us accidentally grabbed the other person's power up. This along with the boss fights are what make this game speed runnable, plus the fact that it's not exactly easy to memorize when and where all the enemies come out at.

Lets do a level by level breakdown:

Level 1: "A wolfen story of impassioned love"

This level went pretty well for us, the secondary attack is definitely faster for the boss and we had some fun shenanigans before and after the boss fight. Honestly we laughed just about every time at the bestiality present in this game, and tried to have some fun and exploit it wherever possible. We repeated the first stage so many times that we basically got it down perfect, and the boss fight really we tried to just use the second attack as fast as we could. We theorized that we shouldn't actually hit the boss at the exact same time, but really we have no clue how damage works with 2 player vs. one.

By the way, I'm the player on the right and mike is the player on the left at the start of the stage. Somehow transformations don't have uniform color distributions, not really sure why the game designers decided to do that but whatever.

Level 2: "Unrealistic dragons are hard lovers"

This level was kind of annoying because of the power up strategies, the last power ups show up with a bunch of enemies but we took care of that by having mike power up earlier and use the lightning attack (not the worthless one that comes out of his mouth). I really dislike the dragon by the way, it's really dumb game design that all the other times we transform to a realistic animal and here we transform into a dragon. It should have been a giant bat or something since we are in a cave. Also, the dragons aren't as blatantly funny as some of the other transformations. Well, maybe the animation still is funny. We did this level about as fast as possible.

Level 3: "Bearing our emotions and sexuality for the world to see"

This is the first really annoying level to speedrun, mostly because we randomly take damage from the guy that appears on screen right before the power up. It also highlights the only turtle/tortoise appearance of the game, I move away from the edge of the screen to avoid it spawning right on me. We did the boss about as fast as possible, and put in some more gratuitous humping for your viewing pleasure.

Level 4: "The tigers come out of the jungle, and also out of the closet"

This level fucked us over, not only did it require probably the most planning, but we couldn't figure out why the screen randomly scrolled slowly in the middle section on us sometimes. We estimated it costs us about 7 seconds compared to when this didn't happen, but it literally happened to us like 80% of the time or something. This would be the part of the run to improve, however all the run up to now was perfect so we went with it. The boss battle was 1-2 seconds slower than our fastest one, it looks like I get hit and raped a lot but at this point it doesn't matter because the times I got hit, mike was already hitting the boss or the boss was in a spot where I wouldn't have been able to hit it anyways. So overall probably 9 seconds lost in this level.

Level 5: "The wolfen love chronicles, part deux"

This level is actually fairly easy compared to level 3 and level 4, and mike getting raped by the wolf pig at the beginning doesn't matter since he goes off screen and there is another wolf pig that comes on screen. Mike owned the mutant unicorn thingy and I raped the boar. We take care of the final boss in somewhat quick fashion, maybe a second lost by not fisting the rhino bitch fast enough, but the run overall was a success. A woman shows up, but we show her no interest because our man love is too strong.

It was great running with mike and we had a lot of fun practicing and playing this game. Who knows we may improve it in the future if we figure out what went wrong in level 4, but besides that I am very happy with the end result. Thanks goes out to mike for the beer consumed during the making of this and for whooping my ass in twinkle star sprites as usual during our meetup. Hope you enjoy the run!

The reviews are in!

"just read it in it's entirety, jewyama
instant classic" -Flip

"nice way to recount most of the sda history" - X, from the Federated States of Micronesia

"Haha. This story fills me with pleasure, jewyama. - Vugmer, formerly known as vgmrsepitome

"ONE OF THE ONLY LINES I READ, AND I DIED.
oh wow caps sorry :I" -Animeowzerz

And now, our feature presentation:

Alternative Beast, a five-part chronicle by Mike Uyama

Prologue: A Time Only Frezy_Men Can Dream of

Enter a time when men were warriors, beasts roamed about, gods ruled the world, speedruns were praised, and sexuality was free...Until the evil force Neff decided Speedrunning was a sin.

His daughter, Athena.Zelda captured, Zeus bellows "RISE FWOM YO GRAVE!", and Mike Uyama and stanski arise from their graves, not having speedrun in a century's time - Mike always using, "site work" as an excuse, and stanski addicted to poker. Zeus decides to give the two one more chance at speedrunning, and revives the two in the exact image of the creator, Frezy_Man - broad shoulders, chiseled abs, rippled pecs, and deep Swedish accent intact.

Chapter 1: Love Cannot be Scripted, it Comes from Passion

Uyama and stanski awaken to the sight of the old Emerald Hill temple, still intact after all these years. But instead of hedgehogs and foxes playfully strolling along, the land is overrun with zombies and skeletons terrorizing the animals. stanski reminisces, "Remember the glory days of Emerald Hill, when children could run o'er the hills with joy? It's now overrun with, with..." stanski tries to continue speaking, but chokes up, wracked with sorrow. Uyama nods silently and brushes away the single tear slithering down stanski's cheek.

Enraged, the two masculine lovers tear through hordes of zombies and skeletons, eventually becoming so enraged they transformed into werewolves with sinewy, taut legs, and sharp, long fangs. Uyama's skin turned into a brown coat of fur to match his dark piercing wolf eyes, and stanski's skin turning a pristine green coat of fur that matched Emerald Hill's former glory. They soon reached the altar of Golden Axe, and standing in front was Neff, electricity crackling from his robe. Uyama and stanski crouch and huddle together for warmth from Neff's cold aura, stroking each others' fur and whispering softly to each other to reassure each other they could win the fight. After shrieking, "WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM !", Neff disappears into clouds of smoke, and a tall, grotesque beast appears in his place. The beast bellows, "little mike uyama and stanski, I am here to stop you from destroying everything. You might be a dictator, uyama, but you cannot prevail against us, we are the HALF-LIFE COMMUNITY!"

Immediately, the beast starts flinging bits of itself. How can a community work if it flings its own members like discarded scabs? Uyama and stanski focus their rage into searing fiery kicks, giving the beast no chance to retaliate until it eventually gives up and disappears into clouds of smoke. As the beast dissolves into smoke clouds, it hisses, "The community might be gone, but we have a much more powerful friend awaiting you." Mike Uyama yells, "I might be little, but I fight for something greater than the Half-Life community, Speed Demos Archive!"

After the smoke clears, a hologram of Neff's head reappears beside a small spider standing on top of a belgian waffle. Neff laughs menacingly and strips away Uyama and stanski's were-powers. As Neff disappears into his portal, Uyama and stanski both faintly hear the spider squeak, "Stripping away their powers won't cure your baldness, it's genetic." Uyama and stanski dive into the disappearing portal enraptured in thought, asking themselves a multitude of questions.

Who is Neff? Why has he destroyed such a peaceful land? How could he manipulate a whole community to work against Mike Uyama and stanski? And could the source of this whole ordeal be Neff's male-pattern baldness?

Chapter 2: Love Endures, Even Among Darkness and Detractors

Mike Uyama and stanski emerge from the portal and find themselves in a musty, dark swamp cavern.

The first thing the two heroes find after landing is a purple fanged blob, that yells "Uyama more like poo..." before stanski's kick and Uyama's punch disintegrate it.

Not even five seconds after being vanquished, the blob reappears and yells, "stanski, more like manski!" Uyama swiftly punches the blob in response, causing it to explode instantly. Uyama then mutters, "Damn straight," and knowingly winks at stanski.

No matter how many times Uyama and stanski defeated the blob, it reappeared, each rhyme it yelled stupider than the last. The irritation the warriors endured was so great they transformed into weredragons. Uyama's skin turned into swamp-green scales, while stanski's turned into putrid yellow scales. Despite how ugly their colors were, Uyama and stanski could not deny their bulging muscular arms and majestic wings.

At the end of the cavern Neff appeared, lightning crackling from his cape again. Once again Neff shrieked, "WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM !"

As Uyama and stanski readied themselves for the horror to come, a warm glow visibly emanated from stanski's yellow visage. The glow pulled Uyama closer, and as he drew near, he could see every single volt of electricity calling to him, whispering sweet staticy nothings.

The first thing Uyama and stanski hear is, "Well this is a drab setting, it lacks proper colour." In front of Uyama and stanski was a hideous beast with more eyes than they could count. The monster, upon seeing the two so closely together, says, "How droll, some dragons. What's next? Rubbish knights coming to save a princess? And are they caressing each other? Hmmph, typical japanese game rubbish."

Thoughts raced through the two heroes minds. Does this vile beast exist to judge us with its multitude of eyes? Never leaving us in privacy to speedrun or even snuggle because it cannot feel joy? Always criticizing, even topics the beast does not know?

Uyama defiantely yells, "How dare you criticize our speedrunning and relationship! There's nothing wrong with love!" The eyeballed atrocity immediately retorts in a deadpan manner, "Criticise, not criticize." Infuriated by the creature's cold manner, Uyama and stanski surge with electricity, instantly killing the creature. In its last gasp of breath, the creature says, "I miss the days of..." dying before it could get its words out.

The portal with a hologram of Neff's head appears again, and Uyama and stanski both jump in the portal, wondering what the creature was trying to say.

Chapter 3: Care Bears, or be Aware Bears?

Leaping out of the portal, Mike Uyama and stanski land in a barren, rocky cave. Uyama immediately recognizes where the two are and says, "I've heard of this place, we're in the dreaded poverty cave. All who enter through here can speedrun no more, for they are imprisoned and forced into playing terrible games for eternity." "Like what?" stanski scoffs, thinking whatever game it could be, it couldn't be too terrible. Uyama utters a single word, "Lagoon." A chill shoots up stanski's spine, his ears ringing with the sounds, "WHOOAHUH, and "ahuhuhuh", and the pain on his face is immediately visible. "Please, say no more. Dark Castle was horror enough."

Immediately after the conversation, Uyama and stanski are besieged by gigantic yellow ants yelling short, nonsensical phrases such as, "Stay fraaaaaayyyyyy!", "On blast.", "CURLEH MUSTACHE!", and "SUPLEX!" After quickly destroying the ants with some well-timed punches and kicks, Uyama shouts, "Stream Monsters! I knew they lived in poverty habitats, but I never knew there would be so many of them!"

Despite the ants repeatedly being destroyed, new ones came back to replace the old ones, spewing the same phrases repeatedly, as if the ants had a sad, one-dimensional existence, and had no reason for existing, save for their one-liners.

Right beside the ants came the orc-trolls, repeatedly pummeling Uyama and stanski with unintelligible spam. One of them chanting, "i kno my spirit is stong, but i need a test for it. this speed danse make a man." The chant disorients stanski into a stupor, and the orc-troll capitalizes and stings stanski with a couple quick jabs before Uyama makes quick work of the orc-troll. Eventually the onslaught of vocabulary became too much for Uyama and stanski to endure. Under the duress, the two transformed into werebears. Though not as muscular as the previous animals, the bear still had attractive features. For instance, the round, fuzzy snout, and soft, warm fur, which reminded our two venerable heroes of the days they used to cuddle and stare at the stars talking about Sonic 2 and Contra III without a care in the world. Still shaken down from traumatic memories of Dark Castle, stanski's fur was a melancholy blue, whereas Uyama's fur was a resolute brown.

After taking down droves of poverty monsters, a lone turtle drops down and says in a monotone drone, "You killed all of my friends. So you're the hater, huh?" stanski, puzzled by the odd remark, kills the turtle swiftly.

Uyama and stanski finally arrive at the end of the cave, where as always Neff was there to say his usual catchphrase. Uyama and stanski so bored by the catchphrase they decided to catch up on the Contra III and Sonic 2 days. The two danced, huddled closely and spooned in the brief, yet momentous occasion they had together.

As always, the smoke clouds appeared, and a hideous, gigantic dragon snail emerged from them and roared, "GENSISS SUCK!" immediately followed by, "stanski? I can forgive you for the time we played Genesis Battletoads, because the Sonic 2 and Contra III afterwards was soooooo good." Stanski stammers for a couple of seconds, his cheeks flaring red, even through his blue fur. stanski barely manages to whisper, "Not so loud." In response, the snail monster yells, "What? You don't remember me, it's me, Peajay! I play so much poverty I got this gig managing the poverty cave. Pretty sweet deal, except for Lagoon." Uyama, horrified, focuses his shock into anger and screams at the monster in blinding rage. stanski immediately follows suit, embarrassed that Peajay would blurt out something so damaging. Unable to take the decibel decimation, Peajay disappears into clouds of smoke yelling, "Fine, I'll play Mohawk and Headphone Jack by myself. If you don't like the game fine, you don't have to be so obnoxious about it."

Uyama turns away from stanski, unable to face him after learning the awful truth - stanski wasn't faithful. stanski tries to cuddle, but Uyama simply bumps him off without glancing at him. "Why stanski, why?" Uyama cries, tears stinging his eyes. By the time Uyama turns around to face stanski, he sees stanski walking away, about to jump into the portal in an effort to avoid talking to Uyama. Offended by stanski's escape, Uyama jumps down the portal, following stanski.

Chapter 4: Unleashing the Beastial Emotions

Mike Uyama and stanski jump out of the portal and land in a marble hallway with large arches. Immediately upon landing, skeletons appear, and the two heroes have no time to reflect upon what happened in the poverty cave, no matter how badly they want to.

During the midst of battle, a Gargoyle's hammer comes within an inch of stanski's head. As the gargoyle readied for another swing, Uyama knocks off its wings with a fierce punch. stanski angrily yells, "That gargoyle just barely missed me!" "Oh, like you missed Peajay"? Uyama retorts.

The two warriors focus their pent-up emotions into punches and kicks that quickly lay waste to any monster that resists. After defeating armies of skeletons, zombies and orc-trolls, there was a curious lull in the battle. Stanski figured this was his best time to make up and says to Uyama, "I'm sorry, what happened with Peajay was when I was addicted to poker. I couldn't help myself." Uyama curtly responds, "We have a princess to rescue." stanski replies, "Oh yeah? Well what about that time you paid tribute to Frezy_Man?" Uyama's face lengthens, looking more serious than it ever has before and says, "Everyone pays tribute to Frezy_Man. He is the creator." stanski retorts, "but most people pay tribute with a tithe, not with their body!" A heavy silence fell over the room. The monsters, who were once viciously assaulting Uyama and stanski, fell silent themselves and paused for a moment that seemed like eternity before regaining their senses and going back into battle.

The two heroes, disgusted with each other, split up and take both sides of the room silently, their emotions and fists speaking louder than any word could. Even the monsters did not want to get in between the two of them, because even monsters know that a scorned man-beast is fear beastonified.

Eventually, a small cockatrice with a lengthy tail sweeps at Uyama, tripping him. As the cockatrice savagely thrashes Uyama, stanski notices his wounded comrade and hurls a fireball the cockatrice's way while screaming, "No one touches Mike Uyama except for me, because this is SERIOUS TIME!" The fireball inches its way across the screen, slowly bobbing up and down. The cockatrice, maniacally whipping Uyama, is oblivious to the fireball until it is too late. The fireball tears through the cockatrice's skin, vaporizing the bird in an instant. Only a couple of small giblets remained.

Uyama and stanski were so overwhelmed with emotions they did not even notice their own Weretiger transformations. They only noticed their trim, sinewy, athletic tiger bodies when Neff appeared before them. Instead of yelling his usual catchphrase, Neff yells, "My next monster is a real treat. Who is Jesus?" Neff pauses for a bit, then a second later, as if forgetting something, shouts, "Oh yes, I almost forgot. WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM !" "Who is Jesus? You don't mean..." Uyama questions. Uyama had no time to ponder because in front of him was a small lizard with a glowing, fire-red veiny belly and dull soulless eyes that matched its dull, cyan scales. The lizard cackled maniacally as if hearing Uyama and proclaimed, "Yes, it's me, Protricity! Neither you nor OCRemix can stop me, for I am the most influential life ever lived!" Uyama stares inside the creature's fiery, glowing stomach and sees something amiss, "Inside you, that's the MAGFest internet! You callow traitor!" Protricity gives Uyama a dead stare and roars, "Of course, sabotaging both MAGFest and SDA. Defeating both of my enemies in one fell swoop." Protricity grins ever so slightly, knowing he has provoked Uyama's rage. Uyama shouts, "And yet MAGFest was still a success, and our marathon raised over ten thousand dollars. You haven't defeated us at all, you've only made us stronger!"

Miffed over his petty schemes never working, Protricity chuckles, "You might defeat me, but this MAGFest internet is quite tasty!" Uyama starts thrashing at Protricity's belly in an effort to save the MAGFest internet, despite knowing it was already too late. Stanski joins in from behind for a two-pronged assault. At one point stanski stabs a little too far into Protricity's belly. In response, Protricity bumps stanski with his flaming-hot belly and scorches stanski, knocking him back. Uyama yells, "You've wounded SDA and more importantly, you've wounded my lover! There isn't a hell vile enough for you!" After a long, arduous battle, Protricity eventually explodes, unable to withstand the onslaught, and the MAGFest internet spills out. Weak and feeble from being imprisoned so long inside Protricity's belly, the internet uttered precious few words before passing away.

"The...one behind this...said...GOLD." Uyama and stanski, both puzzled by what the internet said, did not even hear Neff as he laughed and disappeared into the portal.

Uyama decided this was the best moment to apologize. "stanski, I'm sorry, I had no right to criticize you." Before Uyama could continue, stanski cuts in, "FU, shut it! We have a princess to rescue, right?" After completing his sentence, stanski winks at Uyama, and Uyama's face lightens up, finally able to smile knowing that stanski is back to his old self.

In good spirits, the two jump down the portal, despite being no closer to figuring out who Neff is.

Chapter 5: Quake and Tremble before Love

The two warriors land in a bleak canyon surrounded by bizarrely-shaped, magenta cliffs, contorted, disfigured corpses, and gray clouds so oppressive, light cannot sneak through. Mike Uyama and stanski immediately knew where they were, The Speedrunner Cemetary. The two heroes were once denizens of this exact graveyard until Zeus revived them. Seeing their old deathbed reminded the two heroes this is their last chance at redemption.

The two heroes remained silent until they came upon three corpses they recognized. The two paid their respects. "SDKess, SnapDragon, and Votava, you were legends among runners, and you paved the way for others. It's a shame you had to be buried and forgotten." Uyama solemnly stated. The two heroes' resolve to save Athena.Zelda growing stronger as they saw countless other speedrunners they recognized, decaying in the cemetary.

Before Uyama and stanski could reflect upon their own speedrunning careers for too long, two yellow goats appear out of nowhere and yell, "Shoutouts to Polarity!" Before long, the two goats fall prey to Uyama and stanski's fists. Disgusted, Uyama shouts, "Do the stream monsters have no shame? Even invading a graveyard? A place where runners should rest in peace."

Immediately after Uyama asked himself such weighty questions, a purple, anthropomorphic unicorn appeared from behind and yelled, "My son, wellbe6, has told me about SDA and how you've mistreated him. I'm going to shut you down!" Focused on the quest at hand, Uyama vanquishes the unicorn with two well-placed kicks without even blinking, before the unicorn had a chance to jump kick. Soon after, a yellow manbearpig walks in front of stanski and shouts, "SDA is not all the entire speedrunning. speedrunning relies in our hearts and not in sda." stanski slays the manbearpig in an instant, with two quick kicks, barely giving it a chance to attack, and says, "You forget SDA was founded on a love for speedrunning, and continues to run on heart and passion." Uyama's heart was set aflutter by stanski's words, for truer words had never been spoken.

The two heroes were so absorbed in their quest they hardly took notice of the unicorns, manbearpigs, Armadillos, and flying dragons they slayed. They only took time off to look at each other when they transformed into Werewolves. Uyama's skin turning into sparkling, golden fur, and stanski's turning into dark, gray ashen fur. The two of them stared at each other silently, for they knew this color pairing was no coincidence - Uyama was the yin to stanski's yang, and vice versa.

At last the two heroes arrived for the fated battle. Neff stood still in front of the intrepid heroes, giving them an intense stare they have never seen. Hardly even moving a muscle, Neff screams, "Now I shall reveal myself for I am The Man! WELCOME TO YOUR QUAKE!" As always, Neff disappeared behind smoke clouds, but this time Mike Uyama and stanski crouched still, not even able to take a single breath, their muscles tensing up, preparing for the worst.

From the smoke appears a rhino in gold-plated armor, and in an instant, Uyama recognizes who it is, the man behind all of the treachery. Uyama grits his teeth and yells, "Nolan! Of course it's you! You just used the guise of Neff to mask your true intent." Nolan replies with a grin, "But of course. I am the Half-Life community's friend, SDA was better when I was in control and SDA was Quake-only, and who else would know the secret code to the MAGFest internet was GOLD? Wasn't it obvious all along?" Uyama, ashamed he was unable to figure out who was behind everything sooner, replies, "Of course, who else could have moved the entire Half-Life community against us, convinced Lag.Eyeball to stop criticizing and go into action, and known the secret code to unlock MAGFest internet? How could you?" Steam comes out of Nolan's nostrils and he bellows, "SDA is mine and you know it! I'm just disappointed PeaJay couldn't destroy your relationship." Uyama replies, "That's because nothing can destroy true love!" Uyama and stanski's eyes light up and they stare at each other longingly, knowing their relationship has overcome past hardship and can conquer anything.

Enraged, Nolan swings his fists left and right, whiffing over Uyama's head. Uyama and stanski mercilessly punch Nolan with repeated fervor, knowing they've both almost made it. Nolan brutally kicks Uyama right in his face, but Uyama merely brushes off the kicks as if nothing touched him, knowing that stanski would by his side, no matter what. Then in an instant, Nolan was vaporized.

As the smoke clouds swirled, the two partners knew Neff, or Nolan, would not be returning to laugh at them. Instead, they're greeted to a bird squeezing out of the portal while a single ray of light pierces through the ominous graveyard clouds. The bird starts singing and chirping, slowly landing, turning into Athena.Zelda.

Athena.Zelda thanks the two for saving her, even if it meant destroying her one true love, Lag.Eyeball. Despite Athena.Zelda's feelings for Mike Uyama, she merely shakes hands with him, says goodbye and parts ways, silently accepting there is only one true love for Mike Uyama.

As Uyama walks away from Athena.Zelda, tears stream down stanski's face, and he cries, "Mike, there was no better partner for this quest, and I'm so glad we've been through all of this together. I'm so sorry I let PeaJay get in the way of what's important." Uyama responds, "stanski, let's forget about the past, and when the time comes to pay tribute to Frezy_Man, we can both do it, together." stanski's eyes sparkled and he screamed, "I LOVE YOU!" The two men hugged each other tightly, their love eternal. In the distance, Athena.Zelda merely gave a breathy sigh, wishing one of the two men would send such love and affection her way.

Athena.Zelda and SDA safe from further attacks, Mike Uyama and stanski share a solemn moment together and simply share a warm smile, knowing they have not only completed a speedrun after being inactive for so long, they also overcame the odds and can now consumate the first ever Man-Beast marriage. Mike Uyama and stanski held hands and walked off into the sunset, living happily ever after.

The End