From the depths of space came a ball launched from Nelo Antares Jr. University, famed party school named for the only Galactic Beer Pong Champion to defend the title for 100 standard space years. Contained therein were hordes of the hardest partying beasts the school had ever had to dismiss from its campus, for they had partied using credits from sports agents and mustache-twirling coaches and the GCAA finally caught up to them. Over time, many in the upper levels forgot about their origins and decided to practice their rampaging skills should they ever crashland onto a planet and had to eliminate the locals to survive. Deep in its massive, disco-balled core, however, the party went on and on.

     As it approached a lovely blue and green orb known as Earth (or in certain regions, Urth) a cyborg was dispatched by inscrutable beings to destroy its supposedly violent cargo. She had no clue of what truly awaited in its depths, and she would have to confront some of the greatest partiers in existence to save our planet. This saga was once supposed to be called, the Guardian Legend.

Corridor 0 - Catchy little tune, ain't it? I work to minimize the amount of kills I have in the stage to make sure the first item box that spawns during the boss is a Health Box, allowing me to be much more aggressive. My shots manage to get around the many shots of the boss and wipe it out in personal record time. Lets get this party started.

Area 0 - Ignoring the opening sob story, I get right down to the business of trashing some aliens. Grab the Laser Saber, a Red Lander to get a 100 Chips maximum and proceed to the first Gate. Simply beat it up with shots and the Saber to open it up.

Corridor 1 - Took a call during the opening, so my shooting with the music is a bit delayed at first. There's quite a bit of corridor to fly through on the way to Fleepa, so I do my best to fly around while minimizing kills in preparation for Corridor 3. I actually get my level up earlier than usual, just before the boss, but its no big deal. Fleepa gets a Saber in the grill, and I dance with it like a Pong ball until it explodes.

Area 1 - Chill music for a chill run. I quickly demolish the first Bubble Crab of the run and do a quick exit before the victory theme (as I care not for ceremony, but for the loot). Grab the Fusion Blaster, and the Side Sabers on the way to the Spider Crab (he'll suck all of your blood!). He dies in an ideal fashion, netting me another Red Lander. Then I die...NO! I'm too young to...respawn? As I go to return, Death matter of factly asks me where do I think I'm going. I matter of factly retort by asking him when he'll next be whipped to oblivion by a man in a skirt. He shakes his skeletal fist at me in rage and defeat as I head left and make my way to Area 2.

Area 2 - I make my way towards the heart of Area 2, quickly vanquishing another Bubble Crab (Fusion Blaster does more damage than the Saber Laser at this point) to grab an Attack Up. I grab a Rapid Fire Device, because button mashing is not my forte, it's on the way and the Bionic Commando was too much of a prick to let me use the energy pills instead. I loop around the level to grab the Blue Lander first, to max out my health (now at 10) before Spider Crab II. He sucks my blood (again) and I grab a Red Lander to ease the pain. After I cruelly trample the gate mechanism, it's off to Corridor 2!

Corridor 2 - Fish! In! Spaaaaaaace! More nautical nonsense as I attempt to Ikaruga myself through the second part of this intergalactic aquarium. I take damage on purpose at the end to give Crawdaddy a fair chance at me. Like Fleepa before him, he gets a Saber in the grill and I get the world's biggest shrimp cocktail. The Laser Saber upgrade decides to semi-spawn (hate when that happens) and I fall to a bouncing baby boulder outside the corridor entrance. Curses, back to the area entrance I guess :)

Area 3 - I head south to the jungle, they've got fun, games, Jelly Spiders and Jelly Drops. Oh, and a massive Leech Flower, who is promptly Saber'd and quick exited for a Shield Up and a Red Lander just above. Gate 3 is a nod to Konami, I use the famous code to open it...I'm kidding, it's actually on a timer for two music loops.

Corridor 3 - Fungus among us in Corridor 3, I actually didn't change over to the Side Sabers to save a menu manipulation (I'd give it back at the final boss). Still, I got a bit too aggressive and level up well before the boss, so I'd need to find some chips after the battle. Now, me and the Blue Optomon have a long and torrid history. He's always all gmy seaweed strands do 4 damage you bastard child of Starscreamh and I'm all "I've got vertical movement you poorly programmed patch of algae." We see who is the better, and I take his Energizer to commemorate the battle. I utilize some bad programming (the chip collection trigger and the chip removal trigger are not on the same pixel it seems) and quickly get beat down by a Buzzsaw Blossom.

Area 4 - On the way to buying a Blue Lander near the end of Area 4, I use no special weapons so I have the required 400 Chips. So I plow through Area 0 into Area 4 happily plinking away at my enemies and the soundtrack with my blaster. I grab a Double Saber upgrade along the way, and do a little dance with the salesman to open up Gate 4. I then head south to beat up the Leech Flower and get my 3rd and final Attack upgrade.

Corridor 4 - I finally get the green light to use more jet power, and the scrolling speeds up in this corridor. I zip around to spread the love of my Side Sabers to most of the enemies. That last hit turns out to be a blessing as I engage Terramute. As a boss, he's totally harmless. As a gateway to a death warp, he's ideal. He utters the first hint about the dark truth of NAJU as he dies, gMan, Zibzub's party was only a week away...h Once outside, the boulders spawn a bit too far away but I get the avalanche I'm looking for.

Area 5 - A whole lot of walking right gets me through Area 5, then I head up at the Gate junction. The Crystal Star is an odd one; he alternates moving vertically and horizontally while shooting homing bullets. Of course, he gets tripped up on the boss border, so I burn him with the Side Sabers. Call me a coward, but I kill him while looking away and then steal his Shield Up. I head right and gfire into the corridorh to open the Gate. That's some Shadowgate cleverness right there.

Corridor 5 - From lush green jungle to rocks and minerals, nearly all the enemies in the next two corridors are crystal or metal-based. So I make like a rock tumbler and polish them off. This very basic corridor ends with Zibzub, squid extraordinaire. Him and Ultros frequent the club scene on Fridays, but I give him more than just a phone number and a hangover. I leave and have a discussion with the Red Pod People about his partying habits, and they get all defensive on me. Clearly I had struck a nerve with the residents of this planet...aside from the first few I hit by ruthlessly carving them up with laser beams.

Area 6 - I quickly loop through Area 0, open a door and...TADA, Gate 6! I hit it with my Beam Saber to crack it open and hop in.

Corridor 6 - Volcano Gauntlet! Apparently in space, lava fragments, becomes sentient and tries to destroy passing jet fighters (If I give them any screen time, its complete. Airspace. Saturation.). More angry rocks try to kill me as I fly towards the dreaded Glider. This cruel and infamous terror cannot be hurt while moving. Luckily he also follows a basic pattern, launches pathetic missiles and can only endure about 5 seconds of punishment when he stops. He is also the smallest Corridor boss...guess they ran out of ideas. I swat him like a bug and head right...

Area 6 and 7 - I quickly engage the Jelly Master to steal its Shield Up and ALMOST quick exit. Curse his randomness, I've only done it once to him. I loop around the barriers of the level and head to fight another Bubble Crab. He's more cooperative and I take his Red Lander. I then head north and buy...yes! Another Red Lander, chips for all! I then head into Area 7 to grab two more Shield Ups, one just lying around and another in the woefully ineffective clutches of another Bubble Crab. You might notice I'm now walking faster, that's normal after collecting 4 Shield Ups. I zip back to the Corridor Gate, where they reuse the gag from Area 4 to open it up.

Corridor 7 - Laser fighters...it had to be laser fighters. 2.25 damage on impact, 2.25 damage on a beam. Also, Green Octopoids. They absorb nearly all fire and will make a mockery of your combat skill. Lucky for you, they are afraid of cooties and you just happen to be a female jet fighter. Just run into them and they go pop. After two loops of the no-nonsense music, I hit the portal into Misery Mire and take on a mountain of eyeballs with my own unique take on Lasik surgery. I go out and tell the now Mutated Red Pod People the good news, but they are still bitter about the whole Zibzub incident...

Area 8 - Ah well, I head west to the 8th Gate (less fire and brimstone than the 9th) and open it with pure force of will. No Use my foot, that empty item space has got POWER!

Corridor 8 - I just upgraded the Double Saber to level 3, so it eats bullets and chips with equal enthusiasm. Good thing too, because from here on out, the corridors pull no punches. Any concept of a level theme is gone as the game hurls rocks, ships, fungus, bats, eyeballs and the kitchen sink at my bold little starfighter. The corridor ends with the vicious Grimgrin. You might notice he's quite durable and puts on a hurtin. You might also notice he can go Super Saiyan without me killing his best friend or anything (or maybe he heard about the whole thing with Zibzub, I'm not in the know with alien gossip). Fortunately I have these Enemy Erasers, or as I like to call them, PK Flash. A few seizurebot impersonations later, I'm fully charged and bring the fight back to him.

Area 9 - Area 9's pretty uneventful...unless you hang around for the monsters to spawn on screen. I race through grabbing a final Shield Up and a Red Lander in a veritable avalanche of colors. Gate 9 is made of a thin sheet of balsa wood, so I simply stand on it to break through.

Corridor 9 - Corridor 9 comes in waves of increasing intensity, and with various durable and damaging enemies. Notable is the final assault consisting of 15(!) Bomb Pods, which break into a ton of bomblets that home in and do 2 damage per hit. This one of the few times I got past the assault without using enemy erasers, saving about 8 seconds and looking totally B.A. Eyegore is the boss, and his skulls do a tremendous amount of damage. His lasers, however, do a fraction of a life segment per hit and take priority over the skulls. So I play follow the laser and give him a face-full of Fusion Blaster. I run outside to ask the Jelly Maker about the recipe for his little creations, figuring I'd at least get a jello shot out of this whole ordeal. He whispers only one word before his minions tackle me, his face taut with disgust..."Zibzub."

Area 10 - Like Area 9, if you stay on screen for more than a second, you will face a harshness not seen since the time Brillo tried to get into the toilet paper industry. I move quickly, grab the Energizer to refresh myself mid trip, break the laws of matter to walk through a divider and enter into Gate 10. You need to fire your blaster for a full song loop to open the gate, and although I wanted to dance around and be silly, my left hand was getting sore from constantly pressing directions.

Corridor 10 - If you like meteorites, strange bouncing men with lasers, angry gemstones, bomb pods and skull motifs, you've come to the right place. The level goes incredibly smooth, usually I hit 0 health at some point and have to play Gradius for a few seconds to heal up. As I reach the end of the corridor, a resurgent Eyegore emerges and demands satisfaction for killing Zibzub, and I quote, gThe squid, the myth, the legend.h Clearly the alien threw one hell of a party. Anyway I zoom next to him and Side Saber sweet nothings into his ear until he explodes. I emerge from the gate to see 4 Buzzsaw Blossoms and a seething Spider Crab. I bluntly state, "This is about the whole Zibzub thing, isn't it?" and am promptly torn apart (the Spider Crab got NONE of my blood though).

Finale - I head though the exit gate and prepare to engage the final bosses, and meteorites rain throughout the entire gauntlet.

Fleepa - Fleepa, it's been a while! How are the kids? Did you ever get to talk to...oh, you gotta go? That's cool man, I'll see ya around.

Zibzub - Wait, what?! Are you kidding me?! I've taken all this crap for killing you and you're ALIVE? This is a mockery of many things, especially the so-called plot in many hackneyed sci-fi movies! Its on now, cephalopod!...actually he dies before I finish my ranting, so I'm left without satisfaction.

Bombardier - This guy's a pain being so close to the top of the screen, as you usually miss any items that appear. I manage to grab them this time, and it would clearly make a difference in a moment.

Red Optomon - Sometimes I burn down the Red Optomon and take like 3 damage. Sometimes, he kills me without even batting his tremendous eyelash. We compromise and I settle for 1 health. To prepare for the coming of the Grimgrin, I use the Enemy Erasers I would have otherwise used in Corridor 9.

Blue Grimgrin  - Word travels quickly, and the Grimgrin has returned to avenge (for real) the beloved Zibzub. He loses his eyes fairly quickly, but is scaled to have more health while going ape, so it's a pain to handle him sometimes.

Missile Base - This guy is the break you get before fighting It. It...should let you build up your items and health again.

Naju - If you are a large, spherical starship designed to look like a planet, always be afraid of single pilot starcraft. They will ALWAYS find your juicy plasma core and destroy you.

Remnants of Naju - Naju has just become the galaxy's largest Claymore mine, react to that as you see fit. I usually run around screaming like a little girl...don't judge me.

It - It has come from space, It has two big claws, It shoots baby starships from Its eye. More importantly, It has an absurd amount of health and randomly tosses out bubbles that do 2 damage per hIt. The goal is to get It to Yellow health, and use enemy erasers to farm It's onslaught. Also, I give back the menu manipulation I skipped in Corridor 3.

     Before It explodes, It sheds a single tear from It's massive eye, All we wanted was to party, its all we ever wanted. Is that too much to ask?

     Clearly I had saved our own parties from such a monstrous force. There was no telling what this entourage would do at a frat house or in Vegas. Our celebrations were now safe and the citizens of Earth could party on, a tame mockery of the true essence of the bash I had encountered on NAJU. Still, I have to respect them for their single-minded desire to throw a good soiree, even if it would have destroyed our world. In respect for my opponents, I ventured to the tallest mountaintop and poured a 40 for the fallen. This whole saga had become...the Partyin' Legend.